It was available to read here online for a limited period but alas that period has ended. You can now buy it in my webshop or at Ladyboss Collective & Lighthouse Books in Edinburgh or Goodpress in Glasgow.
Enjoy a sneak peak of the introduction below!
In total, I probably only spent 14 days in his actual physical presence but for almost a year and a half now he has totally consumed my world.
I have devoted hours to reliving, embellishing and analysing the moments we spent together, fantasising about a future we will never share, and masturbating to the most unbelievable sex, that we never exactly had. He was him in many ways, but he mostly just became a reflection of my needs and desires.
My addiction to the drama of him and the intensity of my desire got me thinking about ‘female friendly porn’. I mean this phrase both in the sense of the sexual category that features on porn websites and in the sense of the stereotype that unrealistic romance is the pornography of women.
This zine is romance, porn and self-discovery. It’s an attempt to deal with the overwhelming energy that this man brought out of me. Created mostly in the 6 months following our first encounter, I’ve used this creativity as an emotional release. You might even call it a confession.
It leaves me constantly wondering whether I’ve completely lost it…
Because isn’t this kind of desire when expressed by a woman usually represented as desperate and pathetic? That’s precisely why I wanted to share it. I want to own this experience, take comfort in the possibility that it might resonate with someone, and maybe even find something beautiful in the process.
– Natasha, 2018